Thursday, March 18, 2010

Gay Relationships and Why Some Don't Work Out

Although I’ve been a member of the gay community for all of my life. This is a question most in the LGBT community are reluctant to answer. As a man who has been in two long term relationships I have often been asked “How have you been in your relationship so long”. I also hear many of the people I know on and offline say “ I can’t find a man". That isn’t quite true. They CAN find a man, but they aren’t keeping them. Maybe it’s because we are taught to live the gay life as something to be ashamed of. Maybe it’s because of the lack of good role models. I believe it’s the fact that we do not learn that the gay life isn’t geared to relationships. Not that we don’t’ have them. It’s that we don’t have the support to have them. Not only from society, but many times by our own family members.

The main problem, and I know I will get a backlash for this, is that many gays are too busy not trying to keep a relationship. It is easy to give up when one has been hurt, which seems to be the case with most of my contemporaries. Lets face it, cheating happens and it happens often. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight. One has only to look at any of the papers or one of the many entertainment sites such as Entertainment tonight. Even the regular news will often carry the details of a celebrity such as Tiger Woods or more recently the affair of Oscar winner Sandra Bullock’s husband. The news of gay celebrity affairs isn’t heard often. Perhaps it is because although there are many gays in not only the Hollywood scene, but the political scene as well, they are closeted. Even with fame, coming out is still a process. One that is an individual choice. A hard one for most.

Aside from the fact of cheating, which I have had to deal with as well, there are other factors, such as compatibility, personality, and what to many is the biggest obstacle, family members. It is almost impossible for a couple to be together when one is out and the other isn’t. More impossible is the fact that many want to be in a relationship and not put in the work it takes to make that relationship succeed. I’ve spent a great deal of time on line over the years. The realization that many treat the gay life as if it is something that is up for grabs is the biggest deterrent I have seen. A lot of the guys I know treat meeting a guy as if they are eating at McDonald’s. Fast food. A quick bite to eat...and move on. Others try to make it work as an all you can eat buffet like Sizzlers. A real relationship is more akin to a great meal at the Four Season’s. Which one would you prefer a doggy bag from?

It’s disheartening to know that there are so many good people I’ve known over the years that are alone and lonely. As a activist, and more importantly a gay man I’ve seen many who while being “ a good catch” can’t seem to be caught. I know some who are in relationships and still aren’t happy. I’m talking from the heart and straight up. Anyone can feel free to disagree with me, but I can only speak from what I’ve seen all of my life. We as gay men learn to go to the clubs, to seek those that have a six pack, live at the gym, is a part of the “in” crowd. In the end it’s not a good formula for a long, satisfying , stable relationship. Not unless both parts of the couple can come to terms of what they want in a relationship, and even after, when things begin to change. Change comes to every relationship. Parent and child. Spouse and Spouse. It’s how we deal with those changes that makes or breaks all relationships. Sometimes the fire starts to dwindle, your partner cheats on you, or you become strongly attracted to someone else. These things happen. It’s how we deal with them that matters. Most often in the beginning it’s all roses and later...all thorns. The solution is to learn how to tend to your garden so that the thorns don’t cut you.

Life is a process of learning and adaptation. Only you know to what degree you want to do either. Or even if it’s worth it. I can’t say my relationship is perfect, it is however as perfect as I would want. We’ve both made our mistakes. Plenty of them, but we always knew how much we love each other.. There were night’s of arguing, going out to the clubs when we were angry, family problems, and even cheating to some extent. Not full blown cheating or affairs, but it was still cheating, and it hurt us both a great deal. We were one of the lucky one’s who learned how to deal with our emotions and let the past go. It wasn’t easy, but it was worthwhile. Most of our arguments weren’t even centered around us. It was more those that were outside the relationship and letting them affect our home life. We like many who really cared about each other worked it out. Today life is perfect between us. Nice to hear right. NOT. It isn’t is however beautiful and happy. So what makes us so special?. We’re not. We’re just special to each other. I hold that above almost anything else. We’ve learned what we want, what we don’t want, and how much we will put up with. Anyone else can do the same. There’s nothing special about my relationship or any other that has lasted other than the fact that we heave learned to understand and work with each other. I hope this helps someone to realize that love can be something in their life.


  1. I'm surprised this hasn't had any comments so far. I'd just like to say thanks for the article, it has really given me faith. One day I'll find someone who's worth it, someone who wont live up to all the negative stereotypes. Someone who, although will make mistakes, will be willing to work through them for the benefit of us.

  2. Thank you for leaving a comment. I'm sure you will too. We all make mistakes papa, It's a part of growing. If anyone tells you they haven't made any mistakes, they're lying. I wish you the best. If you ever want to drop by please so. I'll the blog's Twitter list soon so you'll be able to talk there. Be well! -Stone


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